I've been asked several times by several different people what goes on in my mind on a daily basis. To be honest, it's rather hard to explain, because every day is a different feeling. No single day is the same to me. But, regardless, I will try to paint a picture for you in hopes of enlightenment.
For the most part, each day is the same boring array of boredom, hunger, sleepiness, hunger, reluctance to go to class, hunger, and finally exhaustion from the tiring day I've just gone through as I smack my head upon my pillow and attempt to empty my brain from traveling thoughts and stress. But, on top of those said feelings, are feelings of sadness. Self loathing. An exhaustion that is too hard to comprehend that seems to weigh down my body and bog my mind into a field of fog and misty thoughts, until all I want to do is lie down on my bed, veg out on movies, and sleep. Just sleep. If one could explain it in a way of a picture, or a scene, imagine this..
Each person has a child within them. Some children are happy and joyous, and some are not so happy. Some are nerdy, some are musically inclined. Some are jumping up and down with energy, and some are watching the food network in anticipation for the next meal to be put on their plate. But then there are those children who don't seem to have a place. There are children who, like the others, are in a small room in your heart, but instead of a happy environment, it is rather sarcastic, gloomy, and dark. Each corner of their little room has a dark shadow that seems to grow with every day that passes, and when they are happy, it subsides, but never goes away. Now, imagine if you will, that with every dark thought the individual has, it becomes a blow to the little room the child takes refuge in. With each blow, the room becomes darker, more of a blood red than a happy blue, and suddenly chains will appear on their ankles. They have become a slave to this room, and the small teddy bear they clutch so desperately to their chest has become their only sort of support. Eventually, when the individuals days are the darkest, nothing can be seen of that child, but for maybe (maybe), a small glimpse of a silhouette backed into a corner of their little room, clutching the bear for comfort, silent. Completely silent.
BUT!! My days are not always like this. On many, if not most days, I am overwhelmed with feelings of happiness and joy. I have friends. I have family. I have this amazing guy who seems to be able to handle my strange quirks and lifts me up, even when I'm having one of "those" days. And without those people, I don't think I'd be able to handle my days when I am feeling less than 100%. Let's just say, without the people in my life, I don't know where I would be right now.. But I am sure it wouldn't be great. In more ways than one, my friends, my family, my loved ones have saved my life.
For many, being "depressed" is different. This is just my case.
With much love,
RR
