An Explanations Apology

       Have you ever sat down and wondered.... who are you? Who am I? It's hard to feel the same thing every day and not go insane. Imagine waking up, dreading being who you are, but no matter how much you want to change, you can't. You simply can't. Your mind becomes bogged down and soon you can't find which thought belongs to you, and which thought belongs to the monster inside of you. Millions upon millions of single thoughts run through you at once, and it becomes a mess, a tangle, a web of sporadic feelings surging through your brain until you can finally find the words to express yourself.
       It's exhausting.
       And yet once you finally do, once you CAN find the words to tell someone, to tell yourself, who you really are, it becomes a feeling of absolute accomplishment, and soon you become addicted to the feeling of knowing you can make someone feel who you are. But the amount of energy to write down even a single blog post becomes the most tedious of tasks, not because it is unenjoyable, but because the amount of energy and emotions sweeping through you at once is so overwhelming, so dizzying and heavy, that all you want to do is sleep. All I want to do is sleep.
       And yet I can't.
       Billions of thoughts run through my head every single second. So many it's hard to control what I say at times. And so... I want to say, to those I have hurt.. To those I have misunderstood.. To those who have been hurt and frightened by me... I am sorry.
       I am sorry that I cannot control myself. I am sorry that I have lost control of the monster living within me. I am sorry that I cannot be who you want me to be and that I have given up on being who I once was, but have given control to the monster, to the demon living inside me. I am sorry to the man I have given my everything to, for hurting him. For making him feel as if I could never love him as much as I truly do. I am, in every sense, a monster. But I also want you to know, I have not given up completely.
       Not every smile is fake. Not every laugh is impossible.. When I look into the eyes of the man I love, no emotion is fake. None of the emotions within my mind and smile are false, but absolute. I want you to know, love, that I have not given up on being me. I have not given up on being the happy person you used to know. I have not given up on being the shy girl, the one who expressed herself through a piano, or through a piece of art. I want you to know that the person you see right now has always been this way. The demon who has shadowed the sweet and innocent girl in the background of her every move has always been there.
       He has always been there. It has always been sucking away at me. I can feel him, prying his fingers into my mind, tugging at my hair, softly caressing my ears with his deadly fingertips, coaxing me into madness..
       Just know... he will not always be there. I will defeat this, and I will be me again.


RR

She Smiled

Warmth surrounds her body, lifting a chin only to be touched by the fingertips of a man strong enough to understand her. Tears streak the cheeks of her tender skin, a tug in the side of her face, etching what might just look like a smile onto the otherwise calm canvas. Tints of orange, yellow, soft petal pink swiftly swirl their taste and emotion in a waltz of time into her heart, giving her chest a reason to beat, a hard lump forming in her throat as she begins to laugh at what may seem like nothing, but is really something. Brown eyes search the sky for answers, blissfully taking in the beauty of a forest that seems to surround her, rays of sunlight caressing her pale skin, the allusion of warmth becoming more real with every second.
As she looks down, she takes in the sight of what gives her hope.. life. Soft locks of hair sweep to the side of the form she calls love. Sharp blue eyes search into her soul, a soft smile beginning on a face full of neither hate, nor anger, but passion. Awe. Love.
Subtly her body begins to sway, back and forth, back and forth, and before she knows it, she is in the arms of this being, dancing to a waltz she knows not of, but falls into, only to be caught by the grip of his tender hands.
Leaves of the autumn trees falter beneath her feet and she finds herself in a dream, her figure illuminated by the soft sunset, the shadows of trees slowly beginning to descend into a shift of reality, her body not her own anymore, but one with his as they sway into a dream of her dreams. A feeling of soft aching begins in her abdomen, a smile forming on her face, a calm in her mind. A laugh escapes her. Her eyes close, and warmth is now upon her face. They have stopped dancing. Slowly, the eyes of what only saw darkness look up, but cannot see anything but light. His hand, soft and warm, is placed delicately upon her cheek.
Confused, fleeting thoughts cross her mind until she is there, silent on the inside and out as she stares into the blue eyes of this.. this man. Happiness fills within her, and she suddenly has hope. Time has stopped, and she can be... whole.

RR