Have you ever sat down and wondered.... who are you? Who am I? It's hard to feel the same thing every day and not go insane. Imagine waking up, dreading being who you are, but no matter how much you want to change, you can't. You simply can't. Your mind becomes bogged down and soon you can't find which thought belongs to you, and which thought belongs to the monster inside of you. Millions upon millions of single thoughts run through you at once, and it becomes a mess, a tangle, a web of sporadic feelings surging through your brain until you can finally find the words to express yourself.
It's exhausting.
And yet once you finally do, once you CAN find the words to tell someone, to tell yourself, who you really are, it becomes a feeling of absolute accomplishment, and soon you become addicted to the feeling of knowing you can make someone feel who you are. But the amount of energy to write down even a single blog post becomes the most tedious of tasks, not because it is unenjoyable, but because the amount of energy and emotions sweeping through you at once is so overwhelming, so dizzying and heavy, that all you want to do is sleep. All I want to do is sleep.
And yet I can't.
Billions of thoughts run through my head every single second. So many it's hard to control what I say at times. And so... I want to say, to those I have hurt.. To those I have misunderstood.. To those who have been hurt and frightened by me... I am sorry.
I am sorry that I cannot control myself. I am sorry that I have lost control of the monster living within me. I am sorry that I cannot be who you want me to be and that I have given up on being who I once was, but have given control to the monster, to the demon living inside me. I am sorry to the man I have given my everything to, for hurting him. For making him feel as if I could never love him as much as I truly do. I am, in every sense, a monster. But I also want you to know, I have not given up completely.
Not every smile is fake. Not every laugh is impossible.. When I look into the eyes of the man I love, no emotion is fake. None of the emotions within my mind and smile are false, but absolute. I want you to know, love, that I have not given up on being me. I have not given up on being the happy person you used to know. I have not given up on being the shy girl, the one who expressed herself through a piano, or through a piece of art. I want you to know that the person you see right now has always been this way. The demon who has shadowed the sweet and innocent girl in the background of her every move has always been there.
He has always been there. It has always been sucking away at me. I can feel him, prying his fingers into my mind, tugging at my hair, softly caressing my ears with his deadly fingertips, coaxing me into madness..
Just know... he will not always be there. I will defeat this, and I will be me again.
RR
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