Have you ever sat down and wondered.... who are you? Who am I? It's hard to feel the same thing every day and not go insane. Imagine waking up, dreading being who you are, but no matter how much you want to change, you can't. You simply can't. Your mind becomes bogged down and soon you can't find which thought belongs to you, and which thought belongs to the monster inside of you. Millions upon millions of single thoughts run through you at once, and it becomes a mess, a tangle, a web of sporadic feelings surging through your brain until you can finally find the words to express yourself.
It's exhausting.
And yet once you finally do, once you CAN find the words to tell someone, to tell yourself, who you really are, it becomes a feeling of absolute accomplishment, and soon you become addicted to the feeling of knowing you can make someone feel who you are. But the amount of energy to write down even a single blog post becomes the most tedious of tasks, not because it is unenjoyable, but because the amount of energy and emotions sweeping through you at once is so overwhelming, so dizzying and heavy, that all you want to do is sleep. All I want to do is sleep.
And yet I can't.
Billions of thoughts run through my head every single second. So many it's hard to control what I say at times. And so... I want to say, to those I have hurt.. To those I have misunderstood.. To those who have been hurt and frightened by me... I am sorry.
I am sorry that I cannot control myself. I am sorry that I have lost control of the monster living within me. I am sorry that I cannot be who you want me to be and that I have given up on being who I once was, but have given control to the monster, to the demon living inside me. I am sorry to the man I have given my everything to, for hurting him. For making him feel as if I could never love him as much as I truly do. I am, in every sense, a monster. But I also want you to know, I have not given up completely.
Not every smile is fake. Not every laugh is impossible.. When I look into the eyes of the man I love, no emotion is fake. None of the emotions within my mind and smile are false, but absolute. I want you to know, love, that I have not given up on being me. I have not given up on being the happy person you used to know. I have not given up on being the shy girl, the one who expressed herself through a piano, or through a piece of art. I want you to know that the person you see right now has always been this way. The demon who has shadowed the sweet and innocent girl in the background of her every move has always been there.
He has always been there. It has always been sucking away at me. I can feel him, prying his fingers into my mind, tugging at my hair, softly caressing my ears with his deadly fingertips, coaxing me into madness..
Just know... he will not always be there. I will defeat this, and I will be me again.
RR
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
She Smiled
Warmth surrounds her body, lifting a chin only to be touched by the fingertips of a man strong enough to understand her. Tears streak the cheeks of her tender skin, a tug in the side of her face, etching what might just look like a smile onto the otherwise calm canvas. Tints of orange, yellow, soft petal pink swiftly swirl their taste and emotion in a waltz of time into her heart, giving her chest a reason to beat, a hard lump forming in her throat as she begins to laugh at what may seem like nothing, but is really something. Brown eyes search the sky for answers, blissfully taking in the beauty of a forest that seems to surround her, rays of sunlight caressing her pale skin, the allusion of warmth becoming more real with every second.
As she looks down, she takes in the sight of what gives her hope.. life. Soft locks of hair sweep to the side of the form she calls love. Sharp blue eyes search into her soul, a soft smile beginning on a face full of neither hate, nor anger, but passion. Awe. Love.
Subtly her body begins to sway, back and forth, back and forth, and before she knows it, she is in the arms of this being, dancing to a waltz she knows not of, but falls into, only to be caught by the grip of his tender hands.
Leaves of the autumn trees falter beneath her feet and she finds herself in a dream, her figure illuminated by the soft sunset, the shadows of trees slowly beginning to descend into a shift of reality, her body not her own anymore, but one with his as they sway into a dream of her dreams. A feeling of soft aching begins in her abdomen, a smile forming on her face, a calm in her mind. A laugh escapes her. Her eyes close, and warmth is now upon her face. They have stopped dancing. Slowly, the eyes of what only saw darkness look up, but cannot see anything but light. His hand, soft and warm, is placed delicately upon her cheek.
Confused, fleeting thoughts cross her mind until she is there, silent on the inside and out as she stares into the blue eyes of this.. this man. Happiness fills within her, and she suddenly has hope. Time has stopped, and she can be... whole.
RR
As she looks down, she takes in the sight of what gives her hope.. life. Soft locks of hair sweep to the side of the form she calls love. Sharp blue eyes search into her soul, a soft smile beginning on a face full of neither hate, nor anger, but passion. Awe. Love.
Subtly her body begins to sway, back and forth, back and forth, and before she knows it, she is in the arms of this being, dancing to a waltz she knows not of, but falls into, only to be caught by the grip of his tender hands.
Leaves of the autumn trees falter beneath her feet and she finds herself in a dream, her figure illuminated by the soft sunset, the shadows of trees slowly beginning to descend into a shift of reality, her body not her own anymore, but one with his as they sway into a dream of her dreams. A feeling of soft aching begins in her abdomen, a smile forming on her face, a calm in her mind. A laugh escapes her. Her eyes close, and warmth is now upon her face. They have stopped dancing. Slowly, the eyes of what only saw darkness look up, but cannot see anything but light. His hand, soft and warm, is placed delicately upon her cheek.
Confused, fleeting thoughts cross her mind until she is there, silent on the inside and out as she stares into the blue eyes of this.. this man. Happiness fills within her, and she suddenly has hope. Time has stopped, and she can be... whole.
RR
Sunday, December 14, 2014
The Piano..
Each resonating key sounds with a firm yet solitary vibration upon the plucked strings as they ring each simple and beautiful note. A sad song, full of meaning and beauty, emerges from the strange abyss we call music, filling the air with a silence so loud it screams in your ears to listen for the ever so heavy weight known as gravity placing itself delicately upon the shoulders of a woman not strong enough to hold up her own head. With every sad note, every firm pluck, and every resonate sound, the strings of her body pick themselves away until the muscles of her heart swell and contract as she holds her breath and tries to remember why?
A questioning of her own existence lingers over her in the sort of way a note stays in a room when the last key is pressed, echoing the question of her own meaning. Is this what it feels like to live? To love? If so, take her away.
A gift she cannot receive, much like the ever taunting tune passing through her mind in a maddening sway, lies upon her feet and she stares down at it, tears swelling in her dry eyes, a drip of water sliding down a face which has not felt the sweet embrace of death as an old friend, but a cold and aching crunch defining her meaning and existence into a circle of doubt and loathsome cries, not one or two, but three kinds of pain living in her own head, screaming at her to find some sort of way. Some sort of way. To what?
A question she cannot answer, a song she cannot finish as her fingers falter and the song of her soul becomes a part of the instrument she gives her life, her meaning to. A swell begins in her throat as an old, familiar ache forms in her abdomen, bringing her to her knees. Each pound of the beating drum she calls her heart slam harder and harder into her chest as the child within screams for help, begging to be let free. The bear they clutch so desperately to has become one with the notes, fading away in a swift whisper of air passing through the fingertips of what she has known as life.
Her song is done, she can finally sleep.
But she can't.
...why?
RR
A questioning of her own existence lingers over her in the sort of way a note stays in a room when the last key is pressed, echoing the question of her own meaning. Is this what it feels like to live? To love? If so, take her away.
A gift she cannot receive, much like the ever taunting tune passing through her mind in a maddening sway, lies upon her feet and she stares down at it, tears swelling in her dry eyes, a drip of water sliding down a face which has not felt the sweet embrace of death as an old friend, but a cold and aching crunch defining her meaning and existence into a circle of doubt and loathsome cries, not one or two, but three kinds of pain living in her own head, screaming at her to find some sort of way. Some sort of way. To what?
A question she cannot answer, a song she cannot finish as her fingers falter and the song of her soul becomes a part of the instrument she gives her life, her meaning to. A swell begins in her throat as an old, familiar ache forms in her abdomen, bringing her to her knees. Each pound of the beating drum she calls her heart slam harder and harder into her chest as the child within screams for help, begging to be let free. The bear they clutch so desperately to has become one with the notes, fading away in a swift whisper of air passing through the fingertips of what she has known as life.
Her song is done, she can finally sleep.
But she can't.
...why?
RR
New Beginnings
As the end of semester nears for me and I have but a few days left with all my friends, I have but one thought. Well... a few thoughts. But one that bogs down my mind on a daily basis: I will miss my friends. I will miss them. I'll miss their smiles and their welcoming arms, their talk of classes and even the ever so annoying singing after coming back from dinner every night, even though we all know we love it to death. Why, some may ask, am I saying these things?
Well, it is because I am not returning to my school in the spring semester.
See, my school I go to is one very very VERY expensive school. It is going to put me in debt for a long time... And it is not by an unthought choice that I had to leave. It is because I need to take a time off to better myself. To see if going to college is even what I am supposed to be doing. Right now, I don't believe that it is.
I believe with every open door, there is an opportunity. An opportunity to do something great with your life, whether it be something small, or something very large. And I also believe that with every closed door, is another opportunity to find another way to live, because something may have gone wrong the first time through.
God has something great in store for me. I know it. I can tell. But I need to find what he has in store for me, because I know that if I just sit back and try to let things flow my way, it will get me no where.
These next few months are going to be some of the hardest ones I can imagine. Not only because I will be forced into the real working world, but also because I will be faced with hardships with reality, relationships, and knowing that I will have to face my family with the looming thought that maybe, just maybe, college isn't for me and that I am not wasting my life.
I am doing the best that I can. I am doing what I feel is best for me, and whether they like it or not, it is my body, my mind, and my life that I am dealing with at the end of the day.
I just hope beyond hope my family will understand, and support me.
Don't sit around and let life waste away.
Do something with it.
Fall in love.
Get a job.
Do something great.
With much love,
RR
Well, it is because I am not returning to my school in the spring semester.
See, my school I go to is one very very VERY expensive school. It is going to put me in debt for a long time... And it is not by an unthought choice that I had to leave. It is because I need to take a time off to better myself. To see if going to college is even what I am supposed to be doing. Right now, I don't believe that it is.
I believe with every open door, there is an opportunity. An opportunity to do something great with your life, whether it be something small, or something very large. And I also believe that with every closed door, is another opportunity to find another way to live, because something may have gone wrong the first time through.
God has something great in store for me. I know it. I can tell. But I need to find what he has in store for me, because I know that if I just sit back and try to let things flow my way, it will get me no where.
These next few months are going to be some of the hardest ones I can imagine. Not only because I will be forced into the real working world, but also because I will be faced with hardships with reality, relationships, and knowing that I will have to face my family with the looming thought that maybe, just maybe, college isn't for me and that I am not wasting my life.
I am doing the best that I can. I am doing what I feel is best for me, and whether they like it or not, it is my body, my mind, and my life that I am dealing with at the end of the day.
I just hope beyond hope my family will understand, and support me.
Don't sit around and let life waste away.
Do something with it.
Fall in love.
Get a job.
Do something great.
With much love,
RR
Friday, November 21, 2014
Insight
I've been asked several times by several different people what goes on in my mind on a daily basis. To be honest, it's rather hard to explain, because every day is a different feeling. No single day is the same to me. But, regardless, I will try to paint a picture for you in hopes of enlightenment.
For the most part, each day is the same boring array of boredom, hunger, sleepiness, hunger, reluctance to go to class, hunger, and finally exhaustion from the tiring day I've just gone through as I smack my head upon my pillow and attempt to empty my brain from traveling thoughts and stress. But, on top of those said feelings, are feelings of sadness. Self loathing. An exhaustion that is too hard to comprehend that seems to weigh down my body and bog my mind into a field of fog and misty thoughts, until all I want to do is lie down on my bed, veg out on movies, and sleep. Just sleep. If one could explain it in a way of a picture, or a scene, imagine this..
Each person has a child within them. Some children are happy and joyous, and some are not so happy. Some are nerdy, some are musically inclined. Some are jumping up and down with energy, and some are watching the food network in anticipation for the next meal to be put on their plate. But then there are those children who don't seem to have a place. There are children who, like the others, are in a small room in your heart, but instead of a happy environment, it is rather sarcastic, gloomy, and dark. Each corner of their little room has a dark shadow that seems to grow with every day that passes, and when they are happy, it subsides, but never goes away. Now, imagine if you will, that with every dark thought the individual has, it becomes a blow to the little room the child takes refuge in. With each blow, the room becomes darker, more of a blood red than a happy blue, and suddenly chains will appear on their ankles. They have become a slave to this room, and the small teddy bear they clutch so desperately to their chest has become their only sort of support. Eventually, when the individuals days are the darkest, nothing can be seen of that child, but for maybe (maybe), a small glimpse of a silhouette backed into a corner of their little room, clutching the bear for comfort, silent. Completely silent.
BUT!! My days are not always like this. On many, if not most days, I am overwhelmed with feelings of happiness and joy. I have friends. I have family. I have this amazing guy who seems to be able to handle my strange quirks and lifts me up, even when I'm having one of "those" days. And without those people, I don't think I'd be able to handle my days when I am feeling less than 100%. Let's just say, without the people in my life, I don't know where I would be right now.. But I am sure it wouldn't be great. In more ways than one, my friends, my family, my loved ones have saved my life.
For many, being "depressed" is different. This is just my case.
With much love,
RR
For the most part, each day is the same boring array of boredom, hunger, sleepiness, hunger, reluctance to go to class, hunger, and finally exhaustion from the tiring day I've just gone through as I smack my head upon my pillow and attempt to empty my brain from traveling thoughts and stress. But, on top of those said feelings, are feelings of sadness. Self loathing. An exhaustion that is too hard to comprehend that seems to weigh down my body and bog my mind into a field of fog and misty thoughts, until all I want to do is lie down on my bed, veg out on movies, and sleep. Just sleep. If one could explain it in a way of a picture, or a scene, imagine this..
Each person has a child within them. Some children are happy and joyous, and some are not so happy. Some are nerdy, some are musically inclined. Some are jumping up and down with energy, and some are watching the food network in anticipation for the next meal to be put on their plate. But then there are those children who don't seem to have a place. There are children who, like the others, are in a small room in your heart, but instead of a happy environment, it is rather sarcastic, gloomy, and dark. Each corner of their little room has a dark shadow that seems to grow with every day that passes, and when they are happy, it subsides, but never goes away. Now, imagine if you will, that with every dark thought the individual has, it becomes a blow to the little room the child takes refuge in. With each blow, the room becomes darker, more of a blood red than a happy blue, and suddenly chains will appear on their ankles. They have become a slave to this room, and the small teddy bear they clutch so desperately to their chest has become their only sort of support. Eventually, when the individuals days are the darkest, nothing can be seen of that child, but for maybe (maybe), a small glimpse of a silhouette backed into a corner of their little room, clutching the bear for comfort, silent. Completely silent.
BUT!! My days are not always like this. On many, if not most days, I am overwhelmed with feelings of happiness and joy. I have friends. I have family. I have this amazing guy who seems to be able to handle my strange quirks and lifts me up, even when I'm having one of "those" days. And without those people, I don't think I'd be able to handle my days when I am feeling less than 100%. Let's just say, without the people in my life, I don't know where I would be right now.. But I am sure it wouldn't be great. In more ways than one, my friends, my family, my loved ones have saved my life.
For many, being "depressed" is different. This is just my case.
With much love,
RR
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
For Starters
Hello all!!!
So.. This is my first post. I don't know what all of you might expect from here, but I guess this'll just be like.. a journal. For now. :) So, I'll start off with what's been on my mind as of right now: Dreams. What ARE dreams? Are dreams our perspective of the world? Are dreams how our minds figure out reality? Or are dreams telling us what we really feel deep down? I believe all three. Let's take my latest dream. A nightmare..
My boyfriend decided he wanted to take a break. So, he broke up with me and said to start seeing other people. To try and fill the empty void inside, I tried, and failed. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take being away from him, and seeing him so happy without me. So, I would fake being happy, just to see him smile, and think that everything was ok.
I woke up before I could finish the dream, but I think it was telling me multiple things. I am afraid of him breaking up with me. I am afraid of being alone, and forgotten. Those are my worst fears. So, even though I know he won't, my fear is still there. Another thing, is that I think it was telling me how I will suffer to make others happy. I will do anything, just to make sure others feel joy. I would give and give, and take nothing in return, just to see someone (especially the person I love) happy. I don't know what else my dreams were telling me, so I'll leave it up to you guys. What dreams have you had, and what do you think they meant? Thanks everyone.
-Rose Red
So.. This is my first post. I don't know what all of you might expect from here, but I guess this'll just be like.. a journal. For now. :) So, I'll start off with what's been on my mind as of right now: Dreams. What ARE dreams? Are dreams our perspective of the world? Are dreams how our minds figure out reality? Or are dreams telling us what we really feel deep down? I believe all three. Let's take my latest dream. A nightmare..
My boyfriend decided he wanted to take a break. So, he broke up with me and said to start seeing other people. To try and fill the empty void inside, I tried, and failed. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't take being away from him, and seeing him so happy without me. So, I would fake being happy, just to see him smile, and think that everything was ok.
I woke up before I could finish the dream, but I think it was telling me multiple things. I am afraid of him breaking up with me. I am afraid of being alone, and forgotten. Those are my worst fears. So, even though I know he won't, my fear is still there. Another thing, is that I think it was telling me how I will suffer to make others happy. I will do anything, just to make sure others feel joy. I would give and give, and take nothing in return, just to see someone (especially the person I love) happy. I don't know what else my dreams were telling me, so I'll leave it up to you guys. What dreams have you had, and what do you think they meant? Thanks everyone.
-Rose Red
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